This last week has been quite a roller coaster. I had never imagined that Ethan would be born in March. Imagine the surprise when you find out you'd be delivering your baby 10 weeks early. It was both a blessing and sadness all wrapped in to one. We were finally going to meet our son and say good-bye all in one breath.
Waiting for Ethan's Arrival
Our parents, siblings and Grandma were at our side for the 13 hours we waited to meet Ethan. They were a great support of comfort and encouragement. We arrived at the hospital just before noon, filled out lots of paperwork and then had another ultrasound to determine Ethan's size and position. Ethan's two-pound body would be entering the world butt first. The ultrasound revealed that Ethan's head was developed to 30 weeks, while the rest of his body was at about 27 or 28 weeks. The technician could not find Ethan's heart during the ultrasound which lead her to believe that his heart had collapsed. At about 2:00 I was given medication to induce labor and the waiting game began.
At about 8:00, after six hours of non-stop contractions, I received a dose of pain medication. I am glad I toughed it out for as long as I could because once I got that medication, I was out. I could hear the conversations, but I couldn't comprehend what was going on around me. I can only imagine the funny things I said during those couple hours before falling asleep.
Ethan's Arrival
At midnight I was able to get another dose of pain medication. I'd been watching the clock for about the last half hour waiting to be able to get more. When the medication didn't seem to be working the nurse said, "You're ready." I was really caught off guard. Yes, I knew that's why we were here, but right now? Are you sure?
We had decided earlier on in the pregnancy that we weren't going to do birthing classes because of how sad it would be to be around other pregnant couples. Instead we had rented a book from the library. I was able to read through about half of it before we arrived at the hospital. Neither one of us knew what to expect. But you know, God did. He provided excellent care through the doctors and nurses. He kept us calm through the labor and delivery. I didn't experience the pain or the fear I thought I would. Everything seemed to go smoothly.
Sharing the birth of our son together and having Ryan's loving encouragement throughout the pregnancy and delivery was such a blessing to me. I remember him being so calm and attentive. My appreciation and love for him grew immensely that day.
Our time with Ethan
We spent the first three hours with Ethan and our parents and the next four hours sleeping. I felt a little guilty putting Ethan in his bassinet while we slept, but I couldn't keep my eyes open and Ryan hadn't slept in almost 24 hours. I knew we weren't going to have a lot of time with Ethan, the last thing I wanted to do was sleep or not have someone holding him.
We had about an hour with Ethan and to eat breakfast before having visitors for the next 12 hours. We had a photographer volunteer to take photos of Ethan at the hospital with us. At first it seemed a little strange, but what a precious gift this was. We will have beautiful mementos to share with family, friends and Ethan's siblings to come.
Our Nightmare
Ryan and I had been hoping to go home on Wednesday afternoon. The doctor that had delivered Ethan said we could leave whenever we were ready. On Wednesday in the late morning there was a shift change and a different doctor was on call. She was concerned about a slight fever I had earlier and wanted to monitor it to make sure that my body wasn't trying to fight an infection. She wanted to keep me in the hospital for an additional 24 hours. Originally she said she'd compromise and only make it 12 hours which would have allowed us to leave at midnight, but then retracted her compromise around dinner time. At 8:00 our hospital room started to transform into a prison cell. Here we were alone with our first born son about 20 hours after he'd been born. Ethan was so small and delicate, I was afraid I was going to break him. Ryan and I were both running on only four hours of sleep for the past two days. It was all more than we could handle and the flood gates were opened. We grieved for our son who we knew we would have to part with very soon. We were so angry with the doctor who was making us stay. We held each other and Ethan as we cried for a solid three hours. We knew we couldn't leave and if we said good-bye to Ethan tonight, he'd still be in the hospital. The thought of him being alone in a cold dark room made my heart ache.
These four hours were the most difficult hours of our entire lives. To make the decision to say good-bye. To know these are the last hours you will ever see your son in person until you see him again in heaven feels like lead weights on your heart. God had prepared us for this day, we knew it was coming, but I had no idea how hard it would be. We called our friend and pastor to pray with us as we gave Ethan to God, as we said good-bye. Through our tears we called out to God for strength, praised him for this precious gift he had blessed us with, thanked him that through the sacrifice of his own son we could be reunited with Ethan, and gave back to God what belonged to him, our beloved son.
We slept the next eight hours and awoke to a baby's heartbeat in the room next door to us. I could hear the mother giving birth, the cries of her baby and the doctor counting. I was again reminded why we were STILL here and I was angry but defeated by a lack of energy. It was after 8:00 which meant another shift change. We saw the next doctor who was on call and she let us go home. We could finally leave. As we gathered our things, I was glad that we had already gotten past saying good-bye. We wouldn't have to do it this morning before we left. Going home without Ethan was going to be difficult enough.
Photos by Alexandra Delatorre
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